Why It’s So Hard to Turn Toward Your Spouse During Conflict

And How Learning to Do So Can Change Everything

You’re in the middle of an argument with your partner. Tension is rising. Your body feels tight, your thoughts are racing, and maybe—just maybe—you’re also building a mental case to protect yourself or prove your point. In that moment, turning toward your spouse feels impossible. Vulnerable. Risky. Even unfair.

So instead, you shut down. Snap. Criticize. Retreat. Or talk around what’s really hurting you.

Sound familiar?

As a couples therapist in Coral Gables, I hear this story often: “I want us to connect, but when we fight, it feels safer to pull away.” Let’s explore why this happens—and how learning to turn toward each other during conflict can transform your relationship.

It’s Not Just You—Protective Reactions Are Human

When we’re in conflict, our nervous systems go into protection mode. This is what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) describes as a primal survival response—your brain and body read emotional disconnection as a threat. So you move to self-protect.

That might look like:

• Defensiveness ("I didn’t mean it like that!")

• Blame ("You’re always overreacting.")

• Withdrawal ("Forget it—I’m done talking.")

• Criticism or sarcasm

Underneath these responses is often fear:
• Will you really hear me?
• Will I be rejected, dismissed, or blamed again?
• Is it safe to be soft with you right now?

Turning Toward Requires Emotional Safety

In the Gottman Method, one of the most powerful predictors of a strong relationship is the ability to turn toward instead of away—even in small moments. This means responding to your partner’s bid for connection with curiosity, empathy, or engagement.

But here’s the catch: when you're in conflict, emotional safety feels compromised. You’re not just arguing about dishes or tone—you’re arguing because something in you feels misunderstood, invisible, or overwhelmed. And it’s hard to stay present and open when you feel unsafe or unseen.

This is why so many couples end up locked in cycles of miscommunication. The instinct to protect kicks in, but it pushes your partner away—and the disconnection deepens.

Why It Feels So Exposed to See Their Pain

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to slow down and notice our inner experience instead of reacting from it. When we pause in conflict and truly see our partner’s hurt or perspective, it can feel exposing. Vulnerable.

Because if we really look at their pain…

• We may feel guilt about our part in it.

• We may fear losing ground or “giving in.”

• We may feel overwhelmed by our own shame or insecurity.

But here's the truth: turning toward your partner’s pain isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage.

And it often breaks the cycle of defensiveness and distance that so many couples get stuck in.

How to Begin Turning Toward—Even When It’s Hard

Here are a few ways to start practicing this shift, even in the heat of a tough moment:

Pause and name your feeling.

Instead of reacting, try silently naming your emotion: “I feel anxious.” “I feel dismissed.” “I feel sad.”

Regulate before you respond.

Take a deep breath. Step away briefly if needed. If you’re noticing an elevated heart rate, breathing, feeling hot, or on edge, that’s not the time to engage. Give yourself at least 20 minutes to self soothe and let your body regulate. Emotionally focused couples therapy often teaches that repair begins with regulation.

Ask instead of assume.

Rather than defend your perspective, ask your partner what they’re feeling. (“Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”)

Validate without agreeing.

You don’t have to agree with everything to offer empathy. Try: “I can see why that hurt you.” or “That wasn’t my intention, but I hear how it landed.”

These skills take practice. They’re simple, but not always easy. That’s where therapy helps.

How Couples Counseling Helps You Break the Cycle

Whether you're newly engaged or a decade into parenting together, many couples need help slowing down the cycle of conflict and learning how to reconnect in moments of rupture.

In my couples therapy practice in Coral Gables, I work with partners to:

• Uncover the underlying emotions driving conflict

• Replace defensive patterns with emotional attunement

• Learn tools to repair and rebuild trust

• Create new rituals of connection to strengthen the foundation of your relationship

Because the truth is: when you learn to turn toward each other—instead of away—you start to build something resilient. Something safe. Something lasting.

You’re Not Failing—You’re Growing

If you’ve struggled with feeling shut down, reactive, or disconnected during arguments, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. This is what it means to be human. And healing is possible.

Ready to explore how to reconnect during conflict?
📍 I offer premarital, postpartum, and christian couples counseling in Coral Gables, FL—and virtually throughout Florida—to help you strengthen your relationship from the inside out.

Let’s start the conversation.