Are You Solving the Real Problem—or Just the Surface? How Couples Can Get to the Root of Repeating Conflicts

You Think You’re Fighting About the Dishes—But It’s Not About the Dishes

She slammed the dishwasher closed a little too hard. He rolled his eyes and muttered, “It’s not that deep.”
By the time the conversation ended (again), she was in tears, and he had shut down.

They both walked away thinking:
“Why do we keep doing this?”

In couples therapy, this kind of tension shows up all the time. You might think you’re arguing about laundry, bedtime routines, or whether one of you was “snippy” this morning. But more often than not, those are just the symptoms of something deeper.

Symptom vs. Source: What’s Really Driving Your Conflict?

Couples often come to counseling hoping to fix recurring arguments—miscommunications, parenting stress, intimacy challenges, or household responsibilities. But it’s only when we slow down that the real pain points emerge.

Let’s break it down:

Symptom:

• “You never take the trash out unless I remind you.”

• “You always check your phone during dinner.”

• “Why can’t you just help with the baby at night?”

• “You always are too tired for intimacy.”

Possible Source:

• “I feel alone in the work of our life together.”

• “I don’t feel prioritized or valued.”

• “I’m carrying too much, and I feel like you don’t see me.”

• “I don’t feel wanted.”

These deeper emotions—disconnection, resentment, loneliness—are the ones that fester if left unspoken. And unless couples address the story beneath the surface, they’ll continue reliving the same fight in different forms.

Why We Stay on the Surface

There are good reasons it’s hard to go deeper. Focusing on the surface feels safer.

When we stay in the realm of logistics or behaviors (“just put the bottle in the dishwasher!”), we protect ourselves from the vulnerability of saying, “I feel unimportant,” or “I’m afraid you don’t care.” Anger, frustration, and irritation often feel like much safer and more protective emotions to lead with.

It also feels more solvable. If the problem is the trash, the solution is a chore chart. If the problem is emotional invisibility? That’s much scarier to confront.

But when we avoid the real conversation, we stay stuck in cycles that drain our energy and erode our closeness.

How Do We Identify the Source?

The first step is curiosity over criticism.

In sessions, I often guide couples to pause and ask:

• What’s really bothering me beneath this reaction? what do I feel?

• What past experience might be influencing this strong emotion? why/when do I feel this way?

• What am I needing—but not expressing? what do I need instead?

Therapeutic tools like emotion wheels, attachment mapping, and Gottman’s softened start-up formula can help partners name their deeper emotions and needs with clarity and care.

Skills That Address the Source, Not Just the Surface

Once the real feelings are on the table, that’s where the repair work begins. Some of the tools I use with couples include:

• Softened Start-Up (Gottman Method):
  Starting difficult conversations with vulnerability instead of blame.
  “I feel overwhelmed when I handle the bedtime routine alone. I need to feel like we’re on the same team.”

• Turning Toward (vs. Away or Against):
  Noticing when your partner is making a bid for connection—and responding with curiosity and care.

• Emotion Coaching (EFT & ACT principles):
  Helping each partner name their emotional experience without judgment, and see the good intention underneath.

What Changes When We Address the Source?

When couples learn to look under the surface, everything shifts.

Conversations become less about blame and more about belonging. The tone softens. Defensiveness fades. Empathy grows.

You stop fighting with each other and start fighting for each other.

And those symptoms of miscommunications, resentment, and emotional distance, start to naturally ease.

Healing the Story Beneath It All

The real work of couples therapy isn’t just solving problems. It’s rewriting the story beneath them.
It’s about healing the wound that says, “I don’t matter,” and replacing it with a lived experience of, “We’re in this together.”

Whether you’re preparing for marriage or navigating newlywed life or life with a newborn, your relationship deserves that kind of depth and healing.

Looking for Couples Counseling in Coral Gables, FL?
I specialize in helping premarital and postpartum couples break painful cycles and build deeper connection. If you’re tired of arguing about the same things or feeling like your partner just doesn’t get it, I’d love to help.

Reach out today to learn more about couples therapy or schedule a free consultation.
📍 In-person in Coral Gables | Virtual across Florida