The Honeymoon Phase Is Not the Peak of Marriage
You’ve likely heard the phrase: the honeymoon phase.
It refers to those early months (or years) of marriage that are supposed to feel effortless, passionate, and magical. A time when you finish each other’s sentences, never get tired of being together, and barely argue.
But here’s the thing: that idea doesn’t hold up in real life or in the research.
A study cited in Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) revealed something surprising. When asked about their views on marriage, two groups reported the most romantic and positive outlook:
High school seniors
Couples married for over 20 years
The group with the least romantic view? Couples married less than 5 years.
It may sound counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense. High schoolers still see marriage through rose-colored glasses. But those couples who’ve been together for decades? They’ve earned their optimism. They've fought for it. And they’ve redefined romance in the trenches of real life.
So why is the early phase often the hardest?
Because it’s when the rubber meets the road.
This is the season where:
Your differences begin to surface
Unspoken expectations start to clash
Old wounds get activated in new ways
You realize love doesn’t mean you communicate the same
It’s disorienting—and normal. The first few years of marriage often feel like emotional growing pains.
Why do we expect it to be smooth sailing?
Culturally, we idealize early love. From romantic comedies to wedding culture, we often portray marriage as the reward for finding "the one." The real work of marriage—negotiating differences, navigating conflict, building intimacy over time—rarely gets screen time.
We assume that if we chose the right person, it should feel easy. That if it feels hard, something must be wrong.
But that expectation can become a silent wedge. When conflict arises, couples may feel blindsided or ashamed. Instead of seeing struggles as normal, they wonder if they're signs of deeper incompatibility. They may withdraw, panic, or blame themselves or each other.
The Early Phases of Love: What to Expect
The Gottmans describe three phases of love: falling in love, building trust, and building commitment.
For many couples, the season of getting married and settling into life together overlaps with the building trust phase. You’re figuring out whether you can rely on each other—not just emotionally, but practically, relationally, and even spiritually.
As you move into the commitment phase, things often feel heavier. Why? Because there’s more at stake. You’re not just enjoying the relationship—you’re building a life. That means navigating finances, habits, roles, families, careers, stress, sex, communication styles, and different ways of coping.
This isn’t a sign that something is broken—it’s a sign that you’re anchoring deeper into long-term love.
But here’s the good news:
Couples who grow through this season—instead of simply suffering through it—lay the foundation for deeper connection, trust, and intimacy.
Those couples who report high satisfaction after 20+ years? They didn’t get lucky. They got honest. They learned how to repair. They took ownership. They extended grace. And they kept choosing each other through discomfort and change.
Premarital counseling can help you:
Set realistic expectations
Learn conflict tools that actually work
Understand your emotional differences
Develop a shared vision that grows with you
Because a great marriage isn’t built on a perfect beginning. It’s built on the willingness to grow, to stretch, and to stay in the process even when the magic wears off.
The honeymoon phase is not the peak. It’s just the beginning of the story you’re writing together.
Ready to lay a foundation for the kind of marriage that gets better with time? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about premarital counseling.