Self-Awareness in Marriage: The Inner Work That Strengthens the We
Marriage isn’t just about learning how to communicate. It’s also about learning yourself.
In my Coral Gables couples counseling practice, I often remind couples:
We each bring our own triggers, patterns, and coping strategies into the relationship.
Some are protective. Some are harmful. All of them deserve our attention.
When we avoid this personal work it often can create feelings of disconnection or we can become trapped in negative cycles that feel confusing. But when we choose to understand ourselves, we create more safety, trust, and connection in our marriage.
Where Our Triggers Come From
A “trigger” is more than just something that annoys us. It’s a cue that stirs up an old emotional wound or defense. These triggers often come from:
Childhood experiences – the way we were comforted (or not), how conflict was handled, or the messages we received about love and worth.
Past relationships – breakups, betrayals, or unhealthy dynamics that shaped how we protect ourselves now.
Stressful or traumatic events – moments that left us feeling powerless, unsafe, or unseen.
Our triggers are often tied to our deepest needs, like wanting to feel valued, respected, safe, or understood.
Common Reactions and Coping Mechanisms
When a trigger is activated, we often react automatically. Sometimes those reactions are healthy; other times, they can hurt the relationship.
Common patterns include:
Defensiveness – protecting yourself by justifying, explaining, or shifting blame.
Stonewalling – shutting down emotionally to avoid conflict.
Control – trying to manage your partner’s behavior so you feel safer.
People-pleasing – avoiding your own needs to keep the peace.
Withdrawal – pulling away physically or emotionally to protect yourself from feeling hurt.
Even in healthy relationships, these patterns can create negative cycles. Your partner’s reaction can trigger yours, and vice versa, leading to the same arguments over and over again.
How Faulty Coping Mechanisms Affect the Cycle
Imagine your partner forgets to follow through on something important. If your unprocessed trigger is “I’m not important,” you might respond with criticism. Your partner, who may have a trigger around “I’m always failing,” might then withdraw.
Neither of you intended to hurt the other. But without awareness of what’s happening beneath the surface, you both end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected.
Rewiring Your Reactions
Self-awareness gives us the power to pause and choose a different response. Here’s how to begin:
Notice the trigger in real time – Pay attention to when you feel your body tense, your tone change, or your mind jump to worst-case thinking.
Name what’s underneath – Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? What does this remind me of? Does this feeling remind me of something I experienced before in my past?
Regulate before responding – Take a breath, step away briefly, or use a calming technique before re-engaging.
Share the deeper story – Instead of reacting with blame, explain the underlying feeling: “When that happened, I felt invisible, like my needs weren’t a priority.”
Practice repair – If you slip into an old pattern, own it, apologize, and try again.
Communicating Your Inner Work to Your Partner
Opening up about your triggers and patterns isn’t about making excuses. It’s about inviting your partner into your growth process. You might say:
“I realize I get defensive when I feel criticized, even if that’s not what you mean.”
“If I walk away, it’s not because I don’t care. I need a minute to calm down so I can hear you better.”
“This is something I’m working on, and it would help me if you could…”
When you both take ownership of your part in the cycle, you move from blame to teamwork.
Why This Matters for Every Couple
Even the most loving relationships face moments of disconnection. Self-awareness isn’t about perfection. It’s about breaking the automatic patterns that keep you stuck.
In couples counseling, I help partners:
Identify their unique triggers and coping styles
Understand how those patterns interact in the relationship
Develop tools for emotional regulation and repair
Build empathy by seeing the world through each other’s eyes
When each partner commits to their own growth, the “we” becomes stronger than the sum of its parts.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?
If you and your partner feel caught in cycles you can’t break, self-awareness may be the missing piece. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
I offer perinatal, premarital, and marriage counseling in Coral Gables and virtual sessions across Florida. Together, we can help you understand yourself better, communicate more effectively, and create a relationship that’s resilient, safe, and deeply connected.
📍 Coral Gables Couples Counseling | Virtual Sessions Across Florida