Are You Miscommunicating or Misaligned? Understanding the Difference and What to Do About It
Couples Counseling | Coral Gables, FL | Premarital & Postpartum Relationship Support
In relationships, not all conflict is created equal. Some arguments seem to come out of nowhere. Others circle around the same topics again and again. But underneath them all is a key question: Are we miscommunicating, or are we misaligned?
Knowing the difference is crucial because how you respond depends on what’s really going on.
Let’s break it down.
What Is Miscommunication?
Miscommunication is by far the more common issue in couples therapy. It happens when you and your partner want the same thing (connection, peace, support), but you’re missing each other in how you express or pursue it.
Common causes of miscommunication include:
Unclear expectations – You assumed your partner knew what you needed. They didn’t.
Unrealistic expectations – You expected a response they’re not able to give right now or you could have an unrealistic expectation about the role of a partner, spouse, or marriage.
The 4 Horsemen – Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling distort the message. You get caught up in the way that you’re talking about the issue, rather than the issue itself.
Unspoken core needs – You talk about surface problems, but not what’s really bothering you.
Poor timing – You bring up sensitive issues when you or your partner is stressed, distracted, or tired.
The result? You both end up feeling unheard, hurt, or misunderstood even if you’re actually aligned in your values or desires.
What Is Misalignment?
Misalignment is less common, but it does still happen. In this case, you and your partner actually see things differently. You might have different:
Beliefs about parenting or family roles
Lifestyles or habits
Personality needs like structure vs. spontaneity
Desires around sex, finances, or social life
Dreams and hopes
These are often what Gottman calls perpetual problems, not because they’re impossible, but because they reflect deep parts of who you are.
Misalignment becomes a problem not because you’re different, but because those differences haven’t been explored, accepted, or integrated in a healthy way.
Miscommunication vs. Misalignment: A Simple Example
Let’s say you’re frustrated because your partner isn’t helping enough with household chores.
If it’s miscommunication, the issue might sound like:
“I assumed you’d take care of the dishes, but I didn’t say anything. Now I’m resentful.”
If it’s misalignment, it might sound like:
“You don’t value tidiness the way I do—and that makes me feel like we’re living in different worlds.”
Navigating Miscommunication: Tips for Repair
When the problem is how you're talking (or not talking), these strategies can help:
Use assertive communication – Say what you need clearly, without blame or assumptions. If you don’t state it, it’s not fair to hold expectations that are unknown to your partner.
Improve listening – Reflect back what you heard before defending yourself. The goal of conflict is understanding, not winning. Winning creates distance. Understanding creates a bridge of connection and growth. 98% of good communication is listening and there is a good reason for this.
Check your timing – Choose calm moments to bring up vulnerable topics. You can even schedule a good time to chat that is good and agreeable for both of you. Make it a time that you can both come to the table ready and open to understand and hear each other’s perspectives.
Identify core feelings and experiences – Go beyond anger and the protective emotions you gravitate toward. Are you hurt? Afraid? Disappointed? What stories from your past brought up similar emotions? Does your partner understand the vulnerability or hope behind your perspective?
Practice empathy – Ask yourself what your partner might be feeling, too. Imagining them as a child or younger version of them, can sometimes help with this. Deep down, they likely just want to be heard, understood, or supported.
Sometimes all it takes is slowing down and getting curious instead of reactive.
Navigating Misalignment: Tips for Bridge-Building
When the conflict runs deeper, it’s not about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding and accepting what makes you both you.
Balance your differences – What do their strengths offer the relationship? Sometimes your greatest differences also bring strength to your relationship, when you’re willing to view them through a positive lens.
Normalize the tension – Every couple has mismatched areas. That’s not failure. The expectation that your differences won’t bring conflict is unrealistic.
Get to the heart of the story – What does this topic mean to each of you? What are your underlying hopes, dreams, unmet needs?
Be open to compromise – It’s not about winning. It’s about weaving your values together. As the Gottman’s say, “yield like this is someone that you love.”
Remember: no one’s perfect – Not even you. That truth can soften your stance and deepen grace.
When misalignment is handled with curiosity and care, it can actually strengthen your bond.
How Couples Counseling Can Help You Tell the Difference
One of the most valuable things counseling offers is perspective. When you're caught in recurring conflict, it can be incredibly hard to know whether you're miscommunicating or misaligned, or both.
In couples therapy, we slow things down. We look at what’s happening on the surface and what might be fueling it underneath. You’ll start to notice patterns: Is this tension happening because we’re missing each other’s cues? Because we’re holding onto unspoken expectations? Or because we actually see this issue differently and haven’t yet found a way to honor both perspectives?
Therapy gives you:
A neutral space to unpack misunderstandings without blame
Tools to identify communication styles, emotional triggers, and core needs
Clarity around whether your issue is a perpetual problem or solvable one
Practice using assertive yet compassionate communication
Support in finding meaningful compromise and emotional repair
Whether you're engaged, navigating new parenthood, or several years into marriage, counseling can help you tune into your relationship’s unique rhythm and respond to miscommunication or misalignment with empathy, not reactivity.
Let’s Get to the Heart of It—Together
As a couples therapist in Coral Gables, FL, I specialize in working with premarital, postpartum, and newlywed couples who are ready to grow through conflict, not just get past it. Whether you’re miscommunicating or misaligned, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Curious about working together? I’d love to hear from you.